Changing Abusive Behavior: How to Stop Violence in Relationships

How Do I Know If My Behavior Is Abusive or Controlling?

Warning signs of abusive behavior include controlling where your partner goes, checking their phone without permission, making them feel afraid, using threats or physical force, and difficulty accepting "no." If people around you express fear or concern, or if you feel shame about how you've treated others, these are important signals to take seriously.

Recognizing abusive behavior in yourself can be challenging because many people who use violence or control have developed ways of rationalizing their actions. You might tell yourself that you had no choice, that the other person provoked you, or that what you did wasn't really that bad. However, deep down, most people know when they've crossed a line.

Perhaps you try to prevent someone from living their life the way they want. Maybe you know that you get too angry too often. You might have done something sexual with someone who didn't give clear consent. These are all forms of abusive behavior that cause serious harm to others, regardless of how you justify them to yourself.

The feelings of shame, worry, and confusion that come after you've done something harmful are important signals. They indicate that part of you recognizes the behavior was wrong. Regret and guilt serve a purpose - they help us understand when we've made mistakes. Some people try to suppress these feelings or avoid thinking about what they've done, but ignoring the problem doesn't make it go away.

Common patterns of abusive behavior

Understanding the different forms abuse can take is the first step toward change. Abuse isn't limited to physical violence - it includes a wide range of behaviors designed to control, intimidate, or demean another person. These patterns often develop gradually and can become so normalized that the person using them may not fully recognize their impact.

• Controlling behavior: Deciding who your partner can see, where they can go, what they can wear, or how they spend money
• Monitoring and surveillance: Checking their phone, email, or social media without permission; tracking their location; demanding to know where they are at all times
• Intimidation: Using looks, actions, or gestures to create fear; destroying property; displaying weapons; threatening pets
• Emotional abuse: Belittling, humiliating, name-calling, constant criticism, or making them feel worthless
• Isolation: Cutting them off from friends and family, making them dependent on you
• Minimizing and denial: Saying the abuse didn't happen, wasn't that bad, or that they're overreacting
• Blame-shifting: Making them feel responsible for your abusive behavior
• Physical violence: Pushing, hitting, choking, restraining, or any other physical harm
• Sexual coercion: Pressuring, manipulating, or forcing sexual activity without clear consent

Why Is Taking Responsibility So Important?

Taking full responsibility for your actions - without excuses, minimizing, or blaming others - is the essential first step toward change. This means acknowledging the harm you've caused, understanding that the responsibility lies solely with you, and committing to ensuring it never happens again.

The importance of taking responsibility cannot be overstated. This is not just about saying "I'm sorry" or admitting you made a mistake. True responsibility means accepting that you alone are accountable for your actions, regardless of what was happening around you or what the other person said or did. There is no justification for violence or abuse.

Many people who use violence have developed patterns of blame-shifting. They tell themselves that their partner provoked them, that they were stressed, that they had been drinking, or that they simply lost control. While these may feel like explanations, they are actually excuses that prevent genuine change. Understanding what triggers your behavior is different from using those triggers as justification.

Taking responsibility benefits everyone, including you. It is a step toward feeling better about yourself, having healthier relationships, and most importantly, knowing that you are not causing harm to others. The process of accepting responsibility can be painful - it requires confronting the reality of what you've done and the pain you've caused. But this discomfort is necessary for growth.

What responsibility looks like in practice

Genuine responsibility is demonstrated through actions, not just words. It means making concrete changes in your behavior and seeking help to ensure those changes are lasting. Empty apologies followed by repeated abuse cause additional harm by creating false hope and undermining trust even further.

• Acknowledging specifically what you did wrong, without minimizing or making excuses
• Understanding and articulating the impact your behavior has had on others
• Not expecting immediate forgiveness or using your apology to manipulate
• Accepting consequences for your actions, including legal consequences
• Actively seeking professional help to change your behavior
• Making changes without being asked or monitored
• Respecting boundaries set by those you've harmed

What Are the Consequences of Violence and Abuse?

Violence and sexual assault are crimes in most countries, with consequences including arrest, criminal charges, imprisonment, restraining orders, loss of child custody, and a permanent criminal record. Beyond legal consequences, abuse causes lasting psychological trauma to victims and destroys relationships and families.

Understanding the full scope of consequences can help motivate change, but the primary motivation should be the recognition that your behavior is wrong and causes harm to others. The consequences of abuse extend far beyond any legal penalties you might face.

Doing something sexual with someone who doesn't want it is illegal. Using violence against someone is also often illegal. You can be reported and charged for what you've done, even if significant time has passed since the incident. Many jurisdictions have no statute of limitations for serious crimes like sexual assault.

Legal consequences

The legal system takes domestic violence and sexual assault seriously. Penalties vary by jurisdiction but can be severe and life-altering. Even a single incident can result in criminal charges that follow you for the rest of your life.

• Criminal charges: Assault, battery, domestic violence, sexual assault, rape, stalking, harassment
• Arrest and detention: Immediate arrest, holding in custody pending trial
• Prison sentences: Ranging from months to years depending on severity
• Restraining orders: Legal prohibition from contacting or approaching the victim
• Loss of custody: Courts may restrict or eliminate your access to children
• Criminal record: Permanent record affecting employment, housing, travel, and other opportunities
• Mandatory treatment: Court-ordered participation in intervention programs

Psychological harm to victims

Not all violence is illegal, but all abuse is harmful. Having a close relationship with someone who is controlling, frightening, or demeaning can leave deep psychological scars. This applies whether the relationship is between partners, between a parent and child, or between siblings.

Victims of abuse frequently experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, difficulty trusting others, low self-esteem, and problems forming healthy relationships. Children who witness domestic violence are also affected, with increased risks of behavioral problems, academic difficulties, and continuing the cycle of violence in their own relationships.

What Treatment Options Are Available?

Evidence-based treatment options include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Batterer Intervention Programs (BIPs), anger management therapy, individual psychotherapy, and group therapy. Treatment typically lasts 6-24 months, with longer programs showing better outcomes. The most effective approach combines multiple interventions tailored to individual needs.

Professional help is essential for changing deeply ingrained patterns of abusive behavior. While recognizing the problem is an important first step, lasting change requires learning new skills, understanding your triggers, and developing healthier ways of relating to others. This work is difficult to do alone.

Research consistently shows that structured intervention programs can be effective in reducing abusive behavior. Programs that combine group work with individual therapy, address underlying issues like substance abuse or trauma, and run for longer periods tend to have the best outcomes. The key is finding the right combination of interventions for your specific situation.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)

CBT is one of the most effective and well-researched treatments for behavior change. It works by helping you identify the thoughts and beliefs that lead to abusive behavior and developing new ways of thinking and responding. CBT is practical and skills-based, giving you concrete tools to use in difficult situations.

In CBT for abusive behavior, you'll learn to recognize warning signs that you're becoming aggressive, identify the thought patterns that escalate conflict, develop strategies for managing anger and frustration, practice communication skills that don't involve control or intimidation, and understand the impact of your behavior on others. Sessions typically occur weekly and homework assignments help you practice new skills between sessions.

Batterer Intervention Programs (BIPs)

BIPs are specialized group programs designed specifically for people who have used violence in intimate relationships. These programs typically meet weekly for 26-52 weeks and combine education about domestic violence with skills training and accountability measures.

Group settings can be particularly effective because they reduce isolation, provide peer support and accountability, allow participants to challenge each other's rationalizations, and demonstrate that others face similar struggles. Hearing other participants' stories can help you recognize patterns in your own behavior that you might not see otherwise.

Individual psychotherapy

One-on-one therapy with a qualified mental health professional provides a safe space to explore the deeper issues that may contribute to your abusive behavior. This might include childhood trauma, attachment difficulties, personality factors, or mental health conditions.

Individual therapy allows for more personalized attention than group programs and can address issues that you might not feel comfortable discussing in a group setting. Many people benefit from combining individual therapy with group programs for a comprehensive approach.

Anger management programs

While abuse is about control rather than simply anger, learning to manage anger is often an important component of treatment. Anger management programs teach techniques for recognizing escalating emotions, taking time-outs before situations escalate, using relaxation techniques to calm down, and expressing frustration in healthy ways.

However, anger management alone is usually insufficient for changing abusive behavior. It should be part of a broader treatment approach that addresses the underlying attitudes and beliefs about power, control, and relationships.

What Underlying Factors May Contribute to Abusive Behavior?

Common contributing factors include childhood trauma or abuse, substance abuse, untreated mental health conditions like depression or anxiety, learned behavior from family of origin, difficulty regulating emotions, and distorted beliefs about relationships and gender roles. Addressing these underlying issues is often essential for lasting behavior change.

Understanding what contributes to your behavior is not the same as excusing it. You are still fully responsible for your actions, regardless of your background or circumstances. However, identifying underlying factors can help target treatment more effectively and address root causes rather than just symptoms.

Many people who use violence have experienced trauma themselves, often in childhood. Growing up in a home where violence was common can normalize abusive behavior and teach unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict. This doesn't mean you're destined to repeat the pattern - but it does mean you may need to do specific work to heal from your own experiences while learning new ways of relating to others.

Substance abuse

Alcohol and drug use are strongly associated with increased risk of violence. Substances impair judgment, lower inhibitions, and can intensify emotions. Many incidents of domestic violence occur when one or both parties have been drinking or using drugs.

If you have a substance use problem, addressing it is essential for changing your violent behavior. This might mean attending addiction treatment, joining a support group, or working with a counselor who specializes in substance abuse. Trying to change abusive behavior while still actively using substances is extremely difficult.

Mental health conditions

Untreated mental health conditions can contribute to abusive behavior. Depression can cause irritability and hopelessness. Anxiety can lead to controlling behavior as a way of managing fears. Personality disorders can affect how you relate to others. Trauma-related conditions like PTSD can cause hyperarousal and difficulty regulating emotions.

Getting proper diagnosis and treatment for any mental health conditions is an important part of the overall treatment plan. This might include medication, therapy, or both. Mental health treatment alone won't stop abusive behavior, but it can make other interventions more effective.

Childhood experiences

The family you grew up in shapes your understanding of relationships. If you witnessed domestic violence as a child, you may have learned that violence is a normal part of relationships. If you were abused, you may carry unresolved trauma that affects your behavior. If you grew up with rigid ideas about gender roles or male dominance, these beliefs may contribute to controlling behavior.

Therapy can help you understand how your past affects your present behavior, grieve for the childhood you deserved, develop healthier beliefs about relationships, and break the cycle so you don't pass these patterns to your own children.

What Does Long-Term Commitment to Change Look Like?

Lasting behavior change typically requires 1-2 years of consistent effort, including regular participation in treatment programs, ongoing practice of new skills, maintaining accountability, addressing setbacks constructively, and continuing personal growth even after formal treatment ends.

Changing deeply ingrained patterns of behavior is not quick or easy. There are no shortcuts, no magic solutions, and no amount of willpower alone that can undo years of learned behavior in a few weeks. True change is a long-term commitment that requires patience, persistence, and humility.

Research shows that longer treatment programs produce better outcomes. Programs lasting less than three months show limited effectiveness, while programs lasting a year or more show significantly better results. This makes sense - the patterns you're trying to change developed over your lifetime, and replacing them with healthier patterns takes substantial time and practice.

The stages of change

Behavior change typically progresses through several stages, and understanding these can help you stay motivated through the difficult parts. You may move back and forth between stages before achieving lasting change.

• Pre-contemplation: Not yet recognizing the problem or considering change
• Contemplation: Acknowledging the problem and thinking about change
• Preparation: Making plans and taking initial steps toward change
• Action: Actively working on changing behavior through treatment
• Maintenance: Sustaining changes over time and preventing relapse

Handling setbacks

Setbacks are a normal part of the change process. A setback might mean losing your temper, falling back into controlling patterns, or reverting to old ways of thinking. What matters is how you respond to setbacks - do you use them as an excuse to give up, or as learning opportunities?

When setbacks occur, be honest with yourself and your therapist about what happened. Analyze what led to the setback and what you could do differently. Recommit to your treatment plan. Make amends if appropriate, without using apology as manipulation. Remember that progress is not linear - one step back doesn't erase all your forward progress.

Building a support system

Sustainable change is easier with support from others. This might include a therapist or counselor you see regularly, a support group of others working on similar issues, trusted friends or family members who can provide accountability, and mentors or sponsors who have successfully made similar changes.

However, it's important that your support system not include the person you have abused. They should not be responsible for helping you change or monitoring your progress. Their focus should be on their own healing, and you need to respect their boundaries.

Where Can I Get Help to Change My Behavior?

Help is available through mental health professionals specializing in domestic violence, community health centers, specialized perpetrator intervention programs, substance abuse treatment centers, crisis hotlines, and online resources. Many services offer confidential support and won't judge you for seeking help.

Taking the step to seek help can feel overwhelming. You might worry about being judged, fear legal consequences, or simply not know where to start. These concerns are understandable, but they shouldn't stop you from getting the help you need. Most professionals who work in this area are focused on helping you change, not on condemning you.

If you need support related to your physical or mental health, contact your local healthcare provider or community health center. They can help with issues that may be contributing to your behavior, such as sleep disorders, depression, substance abuse, or other health conditions. Healthcare professionals can also provide referrals to specialized services.

Professional resources

Several types of professionals can help with changing abusive behavior. The right choice depends on your specific situation, needs, and what's available in your area.

• Psychologists and therapists: Licensed mental health professionals who can provide individual therapy, often specializing in anger management, domestic violence, or related issues
• Psychiatrists: Medical doctors who can diagnose and treat mental health conditions, including prescribing medication if appropriate
• Social workers: Can provide counseling and connect you with community resources
• Perpetrator intervention programs: Specialized group programs designed specifically for people who have used violence in relationships
• Substance abuse counselors: If alcohol or drugs are contributing to your behavior

Support services

Many organizations offer support through phone lines, online chat, or in-person services. These can be good first steps when you're not sure where to turn or need immediate support.

• Mental health crisis lines: Available 24/7 in most countries for immediate support
• Domestic violence hotlines: Many have resources for people who use violence, not just victims
• Online support communities: Forums and groups for people working on behavior change
• Community mental health centers: Often offer sliding-scale fees based on income

How Can I Support My Own Recovery?

Support your recovery by committing fully to treatment, practicing new skills daily, maintaining physical health through sleep and exercise, avoiding substances, developing healthy coping strategies, building a positive support network, and being patient with yourself while maintaining accountability.

While professional help is essential, there's also a lot you can do on your own to support your recovery. The work you do between therapy sessions - practicing skills, maintaining healthy habits, and staying accountable - can be just as important as the formal treatment itself.

Recovery involves building a completely new way of relating to others and managing your emotions. This requires consistent daily effort. The good news is that every time you choose a healthy response instead of a harmful one, you're strengthening new neural pathways and making positive behavior more automatic.

Daily practices

Establishing healthy daily routines can create a foundation for sustainable change. When you're physically healthy, well-rested, and emotionally balanced, you're much better equipped to handle difficult situations without resorting to abusive behavior.

• Prioritize sleep: Sleep deprivation increases irritability and impairs emotional regulation
• Exercise regularly: Physical activity reduces stress and improves mood
• Avoid alcohol and drugs: Substances impair judgment and lower inhibitions
• Practice mindfulness: Meditation and breathing exercises help manage emotions
• Journal: Writing about your thoughts and feelings can provide insight and release
• Use time-outs: Remove yourself from situations before they escalate

Building healthy relationships

Part of recovery involves learning to have relationships based on mutual respect, equality, and healthy communication rather than power and control. This means practicing active listening rather than dominating conversations, accepting that others have their own needs and boundaries, expressing your feelings without aggression or manipulation, and allowing others to make their own choices.

It's important to build relationships with people who will hold you accountable while also supporting your growth. Avoid relationships where your abusive behavior is enabled or excused, but also avoid completely isolating yourself.