Domestic Violence: Signs, Effects & How to Get Help

What Is Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence, also called intimate partner violence (IPV), is a pattern of abusive behavior used by one person to gain or maintain power and control over another person in an intimate or family relationship. It includes physical, emotional, psychological, sexual, and financial abuse. Approximately 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men worldwide experience some form of intimate partner violence.

Domestic violence occurs across all cultures, socioeconomic backgrounds, education levels, ages, and genders. The abuser may be a current or former spouse, partner, boyfriend or girlfriend, parent, adult child, family member with caregiving responsibilities, or other close relative. What makes domestic violence particularly complex is that the perpetrator often knows the victim intimately, including their vulnerabilities, fears, and what will hurt them most.

The dynamics of an abusive relationship typically involve a cycle where the person using violence alternates between being kind and caring and being critical, controlling, or violent. This unpredictability creates confusion and can make it difficult for victims to understand what is happening to them. Many victims experience multiple forms of abuse simultaneously, and the violence often escalates over time.

Understanding that domestic violence is about power and control helps explain why leaving can be so difficult. The abuser uses various tactics to maintain dominance, including isolation from friends and family, financial control, constant criticism, threats, and physical violence. These tactics work together to trap victims in the relationship and make them feel dependent on their abuser.

What Are the Different Types of Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence includes psychological/emotional abuse (criticism, control, threats, isolation), physical abuse (hitting, pushing, choking, physical restraint), sexual abuse (forced sexual acts, coercion, reproductive control), financial abuse (controlling money, preventing employment), and neglect (withholding care from dependent persons). Victims often experience multiple forms simultaneously.

Domestic violence manifests in many different ways, and understanding the various forms is essential for recognizing abuse. Many people only think of physical violence when they hear the term "domestic violence," but non-physical forms of abuse can be equally devastating and often precede or accompany physical violence.

Psychological and Emotional Abuse

Psychological abuse attacks the victim's sense of self-worth, reality, and autonomy. This form of abuse can be incredibly damaging because it operates invisibly, leaving no physical marks but causing deep psychological wounds. Over time, victims may begin to believe the negative things said about them and lose confidence in their own perceptions and judgment.

Psychological abuse includes behaviors such as constant criticism and belittling, making the victim feel that everything they do is wrong. The abuser may use gaslighting—a technique where they deny events that occurred, manipulate information, or question the victim's memory and sanity until the victim doubts their own reality. They may be unpredictable, where what was acceptable yesterday becomes unacceptable today, keeping the victim constantly anxious and off-balance.

Isolation is a key component of psychological abuse. The abuser systematically cuts the victim off from friends, family, and other support systems, increasing their dependence on the abuser. This may be done through direct demands, creating conflict with the victim's loved ones, or monitoring and controlling all communication. The abuser may demand access to the victim's phone, email, and social media accounts.

Threats are another powerful tool of psychological abuse. These may include threats to harm the victim, their children, other loved ones, or pets. The abuser may also threaten to damage the victim's reputation, report them to authorities (particularly effective against immigrants), or commit suicide if the victim tries to leave.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse involves any intentional use of physical force that causes pain, injury, or impairment. While some forms are obvious, others may be minimized or not recognized as abuse by victims who have become desensitized to violence in their relationship.

Physical abuse can include pinching, hair pulling, biting, shaking, or grabbing. It may escalate to pushing, shoving, slapping, punching, kicking, or throwing objects at the victim. More severe forms include choking or strangulation—which is particularly dangerous and a strong predictor of future lethal violence—burning, use of weapons, or severe beatings.

Physical abuse may also include sleep deprivation, withholding food or necessary medication, preventing the victim from seeking medical care, or forcing the victim to use drugs or alcohol. Any physical violence can cause lasting physical and psychological harm, and victims should take all forms of physical abuse seriously.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse in intimate relationships is often overlooked or minimized because of misconceptions that consent is not needed within a marriage or committed relationship. However, any sexual contact without clear, ongoing consent is abuse, regardless of the relationship status between the people involved.

Sexual abuse includes forcing or coercing the victim to engage in sexual acts they do not want, having sex with the victim when they cannot consent (such as when sleeping, intoxicated, or incapacitated), making unwanted sexual comments or demands, touching the victim sexually without consent, or pressuring or manipulating the victim into sexual acts.

Reproductive coercion is also a form of sexual abuse. This includes forcing or pressuring the victim to become pregnant or to terminate a pregnancy, sabotaging birth control, or refusing to use protection against sexually transmitted infections. Recording or sharing sexual images without consent is another form of sexual abuse that has become more common with technology.

Financial and Economic Abuse

Financial abuse is often overlooked but is one of the most powerful ways abusers maintain control. By controlling the victim's access to money and economic resources, the abuser makes it extremely difficult for the victim to leave the relationship or live independently.

Financial abuse may include controlling all household finances and giving the victim only limited access to money, taking the victim's paycheck or preventing them from working, running up debt in the victim's name, destroying the victim's credit, refusing to work and forcing the victim to support the family entirely, or making major financial decisions without the victim's input.

Honor-Based Violence

In some families and communities, there are strict rules or norms about behavior, relationships, sexuality, and dress that are enforced through violence or threats. This is often called honor-based violence because it is justified by the perpetrators as protecting family honor or reputation.

Honor-based violence can include restrictions on socializing, use of social media, clothing choices, education, and career. Victims may be forbidden from having romantic relationships or forced into marriage. Multiple family members may participate in monitoring and controlling the victim's behavior. Violations of family rules can result in severe punishments including physical violence, being disowned, or in extreme cases, murder.

Neglect

Neglect occurs when a caregiver fails to provide necessary care for a dependent person. This is particularly relevant for elderly individuals, people with disabilities, or those with health conditions who rely on others for care. Neglect can include withholding necessary assistance, medication, food, hygiene support, or medical care.

Why Is It So Hard to Leave an Abusive Relationship?

Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous and complex. Barriers include fear of retaliation (the most dangerous time for victims is when they try to leave), financial dependence, concern for children and pets, trauma bonding, isolation from support systems, shame and self-blame, hope for change, and practical obstacles like housing. On average, it takes 7 attempts before a victim leaves permanently.

One of the most common questions asked about domestic violence is "why doesn't she just leave?" This question, while often well-intentioned, reveals a fundamental misunderstanding of the dynamics of abuse and the very real dangers victims face. The decision to leave an abusive relationship is not a single moment but a process that can take months or years, and there are many valid reasons why leaving is so difficult.

Fear is often the primary barrier. The most dangerous time for a victim is when they try to leave the relationship. Abusers often escalate violence when they sense they are losing control, and the period immediately after leaving sees the highest rates of severe violence and homicide. Victims understand this danger intimately—they know their abuser's capacity for violence and may have been explicitly threatened about what will happen if they try to leave.

Financial dependence is another major factor. The abuser may have controlled all finances, prevented the victim from working, destroyed their credit, or created a situation where the victim cannot afford to live independently. For someone with children, the prospect of homelessness or being unable to provide for their children can be more frightening than staying in the abusive situation they know.

Trauma bonding, sometimes called Stockholm syndrome, is a psychological response to abuse where victims develop strong emotional attachments to their abusers. The cycle of abuse—tension building, violent incident, reconciliation with apologies and promises, and honeymoon period—creates powerful emotional patterns. During the good times, victims may believe their partner has truly changed or that the relationship can be saved.

Isolation means victims may have nowhere to go. Abusers systematically cut victims off from friends and family, leaving them without a support network. Some victims may have immigrated to be with their partner and have no connections in the country. Others may have burned bridges with family due to the abuser's influence or feel too ashamed to reach out for help.

Children complicate the decision to leave. Victims may fear losing custody, worry about the impact of divorce on children, be threatened that the abuser will harm the children if they leave, or believe children need both parents. Ironically, staying "for the children" exposes them to ongoing trauma from witnessing abuse.

Pets are also a significant concern. Many abusers threaten, harm, or kill pets to control victims, and victims may refuse to leave without their animals. Most emergency shelters cannot accommodate pets, leaving victims to choose between safety and beloved companions.

Shame, self-blame, and societal stigma prevent many victims from seeking help. They may have been told so often that the abuse is their fault that they believe it. They may feel embarrassed about their situation or fear judgment from others. Cultural or religious beliefs may emphasize keeping the family together at all costs.

Preparing to Leave Safely

When a victim is ready to consider leaving, safety planning is essential. This should ideally be done with the help of a domestic violence organization, but the basic elements include identifying safe people and places, gathering important documents and storing copies outside the home, setting aside money if possible, planning escape routes and transportation, documenting the abuse, and making contacts with support services.

Important documents to gather include identification documents, financial records, medical records, immigration papers if applicable, children's records, and any evidence of abuse. These should be stored in a secure location the abuser cannot access, such as with a trusted friend or in a safe deposit box.

How Does Domestic Violence Affect Health?

Domestic violence causes severe physical health effects (injuries, chronic pain, gastrointestinal problems, heart disease) and mental health effects (anxiety, depression, PTSD, low self-esteem, substance use). Victims may experience difficulty trusting others, sleep problems, and somatic symptoms. Effects can persist long after leaving the abusive relationship and require professional treatment.

The health consequences of domestic violence are extensive and affect both physical and mental wellbeing. These effects can persist for years after the abuse ends and may require long-term treatment and support. Understanding these impacts helps victims recognize that their symptoms are normal responses to abnormal situations and encourages them to seek appropriate care.

Mental Health Effects

Psychological trauma from domestic violence can result in a range of mental health conditions. Many victims develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), characterized by intrusive memories, nightmares, hypervigilance, avoidance behaviors, and emotional numbness. Depression and anxiety are extremely common, as are panic attacks and difficulty concentrating.

Self-esteem is often severely damaged by ongoing criticism, belittling, and control. Victims may internalize the negative messages they have received and struggle with feelings of worthlessness, shame, and self-blame. Trust issues may make it difficult to form new relationships, and some victims develop a fear of intimacy.

Common emotional and psychological reactions include sadness, anger, and feelings of hopelessness. Victims may feel confused about what happened and question their own perceptions, especially if gaslighting was involved. Difficulty trusting others, both in personal and professional contexts, is common. Some victims turn to substances as a way to cope with their pain.

Physical Health Effects

Beyond acute injuries from physical violence, domestic violence is associated with numerous chronic health conditions. Chronic pain, including headaches, back pain, and fibromyalgia, is significantly more common in abuse survivors. Gastrointestinal problems, cardiovascular disease, and gynecological issues are also more prevalent.

The chronic stress of living with abuse affects the body's systems in profound ways. Elevated cortisol levels, constant activation of the fight-or-flight response, and interrupted sleep all take their toll. Victims may develop somatic symptoms—physical manifestations of psychological distress—such as unexplained pain, fatigue, or digestive problems.

Long-term Recovery

For many survivors, reactions to trauma may emerge months or years after leaving the abusive relationship. New life situations, sensory triggers, or significant events can bring back memories and feelings that seemed resolved. This is normal and does not mean recovery has failed—it means there is more healing work to do.

With appropriate support, recovery from domestic violence is absolutely possible. Trauma-focused therapies such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and prolonged exposure therapy have strong evidence for treating trauma-related conditions. Support groups can help survivors feel less alone and learn from others' experiences.

When and Where Should I Seek Help?

Seek help immediately if you are in physical danger—contact emergency services. For ongoing abuse, contact domestic violence hotlines, healthcare providers, social services, or police. Help is available whether you need emergency shelter, safety planning, counseling, legal assistance, or simply someone to talk to. You do not need to be ready to leave to seek support.

If you are experiencing domestic violence, you deserve support regardless of where you are in the process of dealing with it. You do not need to have decided to leave or to have the situation figured out before reaching out for help. Domestic violence organizations and professionals can help you understand your options, create safety plans, and support you whether you stay or leave.

Healthcare providers can help in several ways. They can document your injuries, which may be important for future legal proceedings even if you are not ready to report to police now. They can provide treatment for physical injuries and mental health effects, connect you with resources, and create a safe space to discuss your situation. Many healthcare facilities have protocols for identifying and supporting domestic violence victims.

Social services in your community have a responsibility to support people who have experienced violence. They can provide information about your options, connect you with emergency housing and shelters, help with financial assistance, and ensure children receive needed support. Services may include counseling, practical assistance, and protection when needed.

Types of Help Available

Domestic violence organizations offer a range of services. Emergency shelters provide safe housing when victims need to leave immediately. Transitional housing helps with longer-term accommodation. Hotlines provide 24/7 crisis support and information. Counseling addresses trauma and mental health. Legal advocates help with protective orders, custody issues, and criminal proceedings. Support groups connect survivors.

Help is available regardless of gender, age, immigration status, or whether you want to report to police. Many services are free and confidential. If you are concerned about your partner monitoring your phone or internet use, domestic violence hotlines can advise on safety measures.

Why Is It Important to Report Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a crime in most jurisdictions. Reporting creates an official record that can support future legal actions including protective orders, custody decisions, and criminal prosecution. Police reports may also be needed for victim compensation, insurance claims, and immigration relief. You can consult with police about your options without committing to formal charges.

The decision to report domestic violence to police is personal and can be complex. There are valid reasons why some victims choose not to report, including fear of retaliation, concerns about immigration status, distrust of police, or wanting to avoid the stress of the criminal justice system. However, reporting can have important benefits.

A police report creates an official record of the abuse. This documentation can be crucial for obtaining protective orders, in custody disputes, for insurance claims, and if you later decide to pursue criminal charges. Even if you are not sure about pressing charges now, having the abuse documented gives you options in the future.

You can often speak with police or victim advocates about your situation and options without immediately committing to formal charges. They can explain the process, what to expect, and what protections may be available to you. Domestic violence specialists within police departments are often trained to be sensitive to victims' concerns and needs.

How Are Children Affected by Domestic Violence?

Children who witness domestic violence experience serious negative effects on their health and development, even if they are not directly abused. Effects include behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, PTSD, developmental delays, and increased risk of becoming victims or perpetrators in adult relationships. In many places, exposing children to domestic violence is itself a crime.

Children are deeply affected by violence in their homes, even when adults believe they are shielding the children from awareness of the abuse. Research consistently shows that children usually know what is happening, whether through direct witnessing, hearing the violence, seeing its aftermath, or sensing the tension and fear in the household.

The effects on children can be profound and long-lasting. They may show behavioral problems including aggression, withdrawal, or regression to younger behaviors. Anxiety, depression, and PTSD are common. Children may have trouble concentrating at school, experience developmental delays, or have difficulties with social relationships. Some children become hyper-vigilant or take on caretaking roles inappropriate for their age.

For children's health and wellbeing, ending their exposure to violence is more important than keeping the family together. The belief that children need both parents—even an abusive one—is misguided. What children need is safety, stability, and healthy relationship models.

Help is available specifically for children who have been exposed to domestic violence. Child mental health services, school counselors, and domestic violence organizations often have programs designed for children. Play therapy and other age-appropriate interventions can help children process their experiences and develop resilience.

Reporting Concerns About Children

If you suspect a child is being exposed to domestic violence or is being directly abused, contact child protective services or police. You do not need to be certain—your concern is enough to make a report. Professionals will investigate and determine what help the family needs.

Everyone who works with children typically has a legal obligation to report suspected abuse or neglect. This includes teachers, healthcare providers, childcare workers, and others in professional contact with children. Reporting is essential to ensure children receive the protection and support they need.

Where Can I Find Help and Support?

Help is available through domestic violence hotlines, shelters, healthcare providers, social services, police, legal aid organizations, and mental health professionals. Many services are free, confidential, and available 24/7. Support is available regardless of gender, age, or relationship status. If you're in danger, contact your local emergency services immediately.

Numerous organizations and services exist to help people experiencing domestic violence. The type of help you need may depend on your situation—whether you need emergency shelter, safety planning while still in the relationship, support leaving, or help recovering after leaving. Most areas have multiple resources, and domestic violence organizations can help connect you with appropriate services.

Types of Support Services

Domestic Violence Hotlines provide immediate crisis support, information about local resources, safety planning assistance, and someone to talk to. Many operate 24/7 and offer services in multiple languages. Some have specialized lines for specific populations such as LGBTQ+ individuals or certain language communities.

Shelters and Safe Housing offer emergency accommodation when victims need to leave immediately. They provide a safe, confidential location along with food, clothing, and basic necessities. Most also offer case management, counseling, and help planning next steps. Some areas have transitional housing programs for longer-term needs.

Legal Services can help with protective orders, divorce and custody matters, immigration issues related to abuse, and navigating the criminal justice system. Many areas have legal aid organizations that provide free services to domestic violence survivors.

Mental Health Services including trauma-focused therapy can address the psychological effects of abuse. Support groups connect survivors with others who understand their experiences. Some domestic violence organizations offer their own counseling services.

Social Services in your community can provide financial assistance, help accessing benefits, housing assistance, and support for children. They can conduct assessments to determine what support you and your family need.

For People Who Use Violence

If you recognize that you use violence or controlling behavior in your relationships, help is also available. Intervention programs can help you understand your behavior and develop healthier patterns. Making this change is important not only for your current or future partners but also for any children who may be affected. Taking responsibility for changing violent behavior is the right thing to do.